Cashew Mac n Trees

Healthy, creamy, delicious pasta made of plants that is surprisingly protein packed.

Sign me up! Right?!

This recipe has been highly requested as I make it at least once a week (and of course make sure to take quick snapshots to share with all of you before I dive in).

I won't chat on too much because I know you just want the recipe, so here it is:

INGREDIENTS

CHEESE SAUCE

• 1 C Soaked raw cashews (in room temp water for ~1 hour or more)

• 1 C Marinara sauce 

• 1/2 C Nutritional Yeast (this is the game changer and don't get wigged out by the word yeast.. It's delicious I promise!)

• 1/2 C Unsweetened almond milk

• 1/2 Tbsp Basil

• A few shakes of garlic powder, Himalayan salt, and pepper

PASTA - I use one full box of Banza pasta or Thrive Market organic chickpea noodles 

VEGGIES - Amount based on personal preference. I like a lot of veggies in mine.

• 2 C Broccoli chopped

• 1/2 C onion chopped

DIRECTIONS

1. Soak your cup of cashews and leave for at least an hour. 

2. Cook noodles according to instructions on the box. I add in some Himalayan salt to keep them from sticking.

3. Sautee your broccoli and onion with avocado or olive oil in a pan large enough to add in the noddles and sauce later.

4. Blend all "sauce" ingredients in Vitamix or food processor until creamy and smooth

5. When noodles are done add to pan with the veggies and pour the sauce over top.

ENJOY! If you make the recipe take some snap shots and share them with me! 

My Favorite Superfood

HEY FRIENDS!

I wanted to shoot you some information about my favorite superfood: Four Sigmatic Mushrooms. If you follow me on Instagram, you've probably already heard my schpeel... BUT I wanted to give you more details on WHICH mushrooms do WHAT for the body so you can find the right fit for YOU based on YOUR own body's needs.

I am super excited because my friends over at Four Sigmatic have been kind enough to give me a discount code for ya'll to use AT CHECKOUT for an additional 10% off your entire order!

DISCOUNT CODE = joiningjessica          

Let's first chat about my personal love story with shrooms & then we'll take a peak at all of the products!

HOW MY LOVE AFFAIR WITH SHROOMS BEGAN

After my most recent surgery last year, my body did NOOOT react well to all of the drugs. A systemic candida infection manifested itself and my throat was in SO much pain. I had candida overgrowth that made it's home in my mouth aka: Thrush. I could not take even a sip of coffee without getting an intense burning pain in my mouth and down my throat. I was doing all the right things holistically, but I knew coffee was a big "no no" for candida. It wasn't until I got the advice from a fellow holistic cancer healer /chiropractor that said "why don't you just drink mushroom coffee?! That will not only NOT hurt you, but help your body heal and adapt." I thought he was totally off his rocker, but I'm a bit out there myself (as you all know by now) so I gave it a shot. I kid you not, I drank the whole thing without pain or increase in symptoms. It was like Christmas morning. I could have my coffee and my health too. That was when I realized, "Maybe there is something to this whole mushroom thing." The further I dug into it, the more amazed I was at all of the ways they heal the body and restore natural responses to internal and environmental stressors. What I also didn't realize is that traditional, non organic coffee has MYCOTOXINS and MOLD. I am severely allergic to mold and mildew, but the last place I thought to look for it was in my cup... YUCK!! (Health is overwhelming I know, GMO free, gluten free, dairy free, etc. etc. etc. but, friends, if you have an allergy to mold you should definitely be drinking organic, mycotoxin free coffee otherwise you are stimulating a histamine / inflammatory response in your bod with every single sip which will leave you feeling fatigued and yucky.

Four Sigmatic is mycotoxin free, organic, and easy on the go WITH ADDED BENEFITS from the insanely healing shrooms. So I love it, I think you'll love it, and that's why I'm sharing!

PEAK AT THE PRODUCTS + BENEFITS:

There truly is something for everyone to be found here! I would advise you to make your selection based on these two things:

1. What does your body need? Do you have... Digestion issues? Fatigue? Brain fog? Hormone imbalance? Stress? Liver issues? Kidney problems? Adrenal fatigue? Candida? Low immunity? Feel like you're getting sick all of the time? Decide what your body needs help with and want to get out of your shrooms.

2. What's your vice? I am a coffee-holic and I know it, so that's a super easy way for me to get my shrooms in! If I can drink my morning or afternoon cup o Joe with a little health benefit on the side, why the heck not?! Regardless where you stand with coffee, there is plenty of options to go around - Hot chocolate, Matcha, Tumeric lattes, Chai lattes, plan shrooms to add in YOUR favorite beverage or smoothie. 

COFFEES + HOT CACAOS

COFFEE COMES CONVENIENTLY IN GROUNDS, PACKETS, OR COFFEE PODS!

ADAPTOGEN COFFEE: Master stress and cut out the caffeinated jitters, so you can take on the demands of everyday life. Slaying that big work project? Gotta get the kids to school? Taking on a new side hustle? However you spend your days, power up while keeping calm, cool, and collected with shade-grown organic coffee blended with tulsi and astragalus.

Elixirs + Blends

LOVE YOU SO MATCHA

MATCHA: Our Four Sigmatic Mushroom Matcha contains that organic, ceremonial grade good stuff with a powerful dose of our brain-hugging lion’s mane mushroom and ginger. Some might say, it’s a matcha made in heaven.

CHARCOAL LEMONADE: Detoxification Nation

CHARCOAL LEMONADE: A lemonade that could actually make you feel better, not worse? The Mushroom Lemonade with Charcoal & Chaga is your occasional, all-in-one support for digestion, skin wellbeing, and detox. Free from the sugar-packed ingredients of a typical lemonade, this jet-black powder combines the antioxidant properties of chaga with activated charcoal for digestive support and lemon to assist hydration and skin wellbeing, to help you glow from the inside out.

LOVE YOU A LATTE

GOLDEN LATTE: Support beauty where it counts – from within. Our lightly sweet and dairy-free Golden Latte with Shiitake and Turmeric is like your own personal airbrush tool, but better, helping you put your best face forward with beautifying shiitake and glow-from-within turmeric. Additional ingredients include adaptogenic tulsi, warming ginger, and a pinch of black pepper to support turmeric’s skin-loving properties.

GUT LOVING CHAI LATTE: Get to the gut of the matter with turkey tail and reishi. Our lightly sweet and dairy-free chai latte supports a happy belly with gut-loving turkey tail, calming reishi and classic carminative spices. Like a sweet belly rub, support your “second brain” with a comforting cup of classic chai!

HOW I LIKE MY SHROOMS

My personal favorite way to enjoy my 'shrooms is to heat up 8 -10 oz purified water (from my Berkey filter that I adore) and add the hot water along with the packet or scoop of shrooms in my favorite coffee mug. Then I add a little bit of organic liquid stevia to sweeten it + a splash of almond milk.

If you want a creamier cup you can add coconut butter and collagen + use Four Sigmatics handheld frother for some extra fancy in your cup. It's like Starbucks at home but healthier, better for you, and cheaper! It's a win, win, win.

I hope this helps! Don't hesitate to reach out with any questions you may have. I would love to help!

Look For The Lighthouse

B E   Y O U R   O W N   A D V O C A T E

I am a little late to the party, but in case you haven't heard IT IS NATIONAL WOMEN'S HEALTH WEEK!  You’re probably like, “Yeah okay, sweet picture you took of a light house Jess... But what the heck does this have to do with health?”

Well my friends, it has everything to do with it.

Light.house (n) - A tower or structure containing a beacon of light to warn or guide ships at sea.

We have light houses all around us, but most of us are either too busy, stressed, or fearful to even see them. I’m not talking legit lighthouses… I’m talking signals. I’m talking beacons of light that communicate warning to our bodies. Because you and I are at sea, sister. We are in a society that correlates busy-ness with success. The busier the better. The more stress the more success. We are fast paced and disconnected, not only with those around us but with OURSELVES.

How can we expect to be our best if we don’t even really trust, listen to, or respect ourselves? 

If you're thinking "I don't have any of those signals" Does any of this sound familiar? Maybe you...

• Push through a stomach ache and grab the fast food any way

• Only poop a few times a week (poop isn't weird and gross unless you make it weird and gross)

• Take a over the counter medications for the headaches on the regular

• Get the big gulp at QT to get through the day 

• Feel absolutely exhausted without your energy drinks (..or coffee *raises hand*) 

• Eat and eat and eat without ever feeling satisfied

• Take (yet another) round of antibiotics for continued UTIs/infections/etc.

• Take pain killers to get through your period each month

• Have pepto within reach at all times because you can't eat anything without it

• The list goes on..

First of all, I’ve been there. This is NOT judgement. This is PERMISSION: Permission to not push through, pop the pills, and move on. Permission to slow down and listen to your body. These aches and pains are seen as inconveniences, I know. They do slow us down. They do prevent us from doing what we WANT to do. They do prevent us from being ev-e-ry-thing to ev-e-ry one. BUT YOUR BODY IS TELLING YOU SOMETHING AND IF YOU DON’T START LISTENING WHILE ITS WHISPERING IT WILL EVENTUALLY START YELLING. Sometimes we get SO use to numbing or downplaying our "light houses" over time the abnormal becomes our "normal." I would have told you my "normal" menstrual cycle was me laying in bed for 3 days in a row with two heating pads and a bottle of narcotics on my night stand. I would have told you that I was "regular" but only went to the restroom about 3-4 times a week. I would have told you that I was healthy, but I suffered from low grade UTI's once or twice a month and came down with a "cold" at least once a month as well. NONE OF THIS IS NORMAL MY FRIENDS. 

I am just a push through-er and grade-A people pleaser by nature.. whiiiiich virtually got me no where other than severely ill. Here's the funniest thing about my well known friend called severe illness. Severe illness has grade 10 sass and drill sergeant level bossiness. She steps in and makes shit happen... Instantly. You don't have time to decide. Severe illness doesn't give you a choice to push through and pretend like she doesn't exist. She is up in your face at all times morning, noon, and night. You don't get to chalk her up as "normal," slap on a smile, and carry on. You HAVE to face her. You have to start living according to priority. Suddenly all of those things that were SO IMPORTANT become completely and utterly irrelevant... Sleep, nutrition, movement, faith, relationships, and self care start riding shot gun in your life again. You somehow instantly learn to delegate responsibilities, let go of what doesn't matter, invest in what does, and demand respect of your healing. 

MESSAGE #1: Don't wait for severe illness to start listening to your body.

Looking back, I now see light houses were all around me. My entire life I had been given signals. I was just too focused on trying to be everything and do everything that my actions basically said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah... I don't have time for you" to my body. I was a "YES" girl to everyone but myself.  I didn't have time to be healthy with all the other ways I stretched myself.

What I never stopped to consider is:

1. I was only making matters worse and hurting myself in the process

2. I was not giving my "best" to anything. I was barely operating at 40% of my potential.

3. I could only push it down for so long.

It's like when the gas light comes on in your car and you're thinking, "Okay cool. I've got 50 miles left to E. I'll go here and here and here." Then, before you know it you have about 20 miles left and you're like, "Yep, okay. I'll just run here and here and here quick." Before you know, it your beautiful self is not going ANYWHERE because you're stuck on the side of the road. You're about to pee your pants, you're half past hangry, and you're severely late for your meeting. Your child is screaming, your mom is calling, and you just spilt your entire cup of coffee... BUT you're finally FORCED TO STOP and put some freaking gas in your car because if you don't do that, you cannot make anything else happen.

MESSAGE #2: You cannot pour from an empty cup.

When I started piecing my health together I realized I had accumulated NUMEROUS issues in such a short amount of time and instead of getting better, they all kept getting worse. I could feel all of the quick fixes leading me to a much bigger problem. The bandaids weren't covering up my wounds any more and none of my issues seemed to be healing. I felt completely defeated.  I was not heard at doctors appointments. My issues were continually brushed aside and chalked up as "normal" OR I was just given stronger medications to try. It got to the point that I felt I was letting people down. I remember one of my sisters saying, "Ugh. You're just always sick and you're always tired. It's hard to be around. You're young. Just have some fun." As a person who seeks validation from loved ones (to a crippling degree... I'm working on it), this comment hit me like a freight train and made me want to cover my sh*t up even more. Between doctor dismissal and stinging comments, I convinced myself there must be something wrong with me as I wasn't able to keep pushing through. I told myself I needed to just take the dang medications, be happy, and "let it go."

Here were just a few of my light houses at the time:

• Kidney stones

• Severe bloating

• Chronic UTIs

• Headaches

• Fatigue

• Endometriosis

• Asthma

• Allergies

• Chronic Strep

• Ovarian Cysts

• Candida

• Interstitial cystitis

• Periods so painful I had to rotate Hydrocodone & Oxy with each cycle

• I could keep going… You name it, I’ve probably had a run in with it at one point or another.

THERE NEEDS TO BE A SHIFT IN HOW WE VIEW OUR HEALTH. 

What I wish someone would have told me when these symptoms started piling up is:

• You aren't crazy.

• You aren't a baby.

• You don't just have a low pain tolerance.

• You're still YOU. You're still LOVED. You're still a fun person.

• It isn't just all in your head.

• You aren't selfish for wanting to take a few things off your plate.

• You aren't inconvenient.

• You do NOT have to just push through, take a pill, and shut up about it.

You definitely aren’t considered the "cool" kid when you’re like “I’m going to stay in tonight” or “I don’t want to order 16 beers and eat a whole pizza like I use to because it flares up my IBS and makes me feel like shit for 5 days.” But this leads me to....

MESSAGE #3: Things aren't weird unless you make them weird.

I’m not sure why other people get so offended or annoyed when you try to make healthy changes, but I’m here to tell you DO IT ANY WAY.... PLEASE, DO IT ANYWAY!! What’s even un-cooler than not being cool is trying to make someone else comfortable at the cost of your suffering. Listen to your intuition and be unapologetic about your priorities. If people don’t understand then *SPOILER ALERT* they are NOT real friends. You can still be the life of the party and have your health too. You aren't all of a sudden less of a human just because dairy makes you feel like crap or because you choose to make some changes. You CAN have your health and your social life, too. In fact, you’ll be even more EMPOWERED + even more YOU if you just start listening to these error messages as a gift of survival. 

• Don’t be afraid to ask your doctor “stupid” questions. 

• Do your research.

• Reconnect with your intuition.

• Rest.

• Let go of the "disease to please" other people. (Lisa TerKeurst, "The Best Yes")

• Care for your body when you’re sick instead of pushing through. Symptoms are a sign that something is not going right internally. Turn in and listen.

• Don’t dwell in the pain, use it as a signal and CATALYST for change and RENEWED purpose.

When you’re in the darkness, look for the lighthouse. It will guide you home.

 

Food, Yeah!

Photo Credit: Shannon McGinley

“Health is not only about what you are eating, it is also about what you are thinking and saying.”

One of my favorite things about living in Kansas City is the availability and overall "vibe" of healthy living it has, all while being rooted in the good ol' midwest. There are numerous healthy restaurants, grocery stores, boutique workout studios, farmers markets, pop up classes, juicerys, wellness events etc. Along with it, I've had the great privilege of meeting some like-minded babes that empower me to continually learn, grow, and evolve in my own health journey - one of them being Sarah Buchanan. All I have to say about her is: HOLY. FIRECRACKER. I've only taken one Mojo cycling class from her (a few months ago) and I'm pretty sure I'm still feeling it. Her energy is that amazing. She's unapologetically who she is, she owns it, embraces it and is the soul behind kick ass events that encourage women to find their own definition of healthy balance and boldly live inside that space.

As a "wellness tribe", we get coffee or brunch together once a month to discuss whatever topics come to table. A few weeks ago, Sarah was telling us about her new event coming up, "Food, YEAH!" 

It's funny because until that point, I honestly had no idea how "food frustrated" I actually was. As she was describing the purpose of the event and her own frustrations and curiosities, it sparked the thought that maybe I struggle with a lot of the same concepts more than I recognized.  

It's hard not to, right? I mean, think about ALL the different food trends/diets out there:

• PALEO

• GLUTEN FREE

• VEGAN/VEGETARIAN/PESCATARIAN

• LOW CARB

• LOW FAT

• RAW

• PEGAN

• KETOGENIC

• COUNTING MACROS

• COUNTING CALORIES

• WEIGHT WATCHERS

• ALKALINE DIET

• INTERMITTENT FASTING

• ...The list goes on.

WHO'S OVERWHELMED???????

SO, WHAT IS "FOOD, YEAH!" ??

The purpose of the event was NOT to push a new meal plan or to sell some trendy cleanse. It was about sparking honest, heart felt, healthy discussion about food that might cause your soul to stir as you reflect on your own wellness journey. With an open mind and without guidelines, all topics were on the table. She gathered five authentic health professionals with unique backgrounds to form an all-encompassing food panel. The fab five took stage as the rest of us got to soak in their stance on our most burning questions and address many of the food trends and fads out there today (all while enjoying some bomb protein balls, wine, and cold pressed juice, might I add).

THE PANEL: Highly recommend following them on social media! 

Photo Credit: Shannon McGinley

1. Cara Harbstreet - Registered Dietician MS RD LD, @streetsmard.rd

2. Abbi Miller - Holistic Health Coach + speaker/writer/bizbabe, @abbimillerholistic

3. Brooke Salvaggio - Organic, sustainable farmer at Urbavore farms, @urbavorefarm

4. Dr. Heybrock - Medical Doctor at Health Studio Kansas City, @healthstudiokc:

5. Robin Krause - Certified Health Coach, Herbalist, Owner of Unbakery + Juicery, @unbakeryandjuicery

WHY IT WAS BADASS

First of all, I loved the variety amongst the panel. From having someone who literally grows food to someone who doctors the sick, and everything in between... it was just SO real. It wasn't five people sitting up there pretending they have the perfect lives or claiming to have the perfect diets or the perfect "one size fits all" answer. Its was just authentic, relaxed, and raw. 

It has become difficult to feel 100% confident about what you're eating these days because new (and contradictory) information is constantly being thrown at us, especially now that social media plays such a big role in our lives. We have become so far removed from nature and society has made eating so numerical, complicated and processed it leads us to feel defeated, deprived, and SICK. 

I've struggled with it myself. Even if I FEEL good on a plant-based diet, I question: "Am I doing the right thing?" "Do I really need more protein?" "Should I try this instead?" "Should I do that?" "Should I take this new supplement?" "Should I try this new shake program?" "Do I need to be counting calories?" "Does this fit my macros?" "Should I be eating at this time of day?" "Should I try this detox?" "Should I stop eating this or that?" AGH, MAKE IT STOP.

IT IS FREAKING HARD, especially if we choose to listen to the noise of everyone else around us.

For instance, think about the coconut oil example: (Sarah calls it the "Coconut Crisis of 2017")

*Everyone in 2016*  - "Coconut oil is amazing, buy gallons of it, bathe yourself in it, eat it, feed it to your dog, put it in your hair, drink it in your coffee, slap it on your toast..."

*Article comes out in 2017* -  "JK coconut oil is terrible for you. Stay away from it. Bye."

And we're all like... Well this is great, I have gallons of it in my pantry. Now WTF do I do, right?!

Listening to the newest articles or people you follow on Instagram can definitely lead to you yo-yo-ing and feeling frustrated endlessly. Which is why it was so helpful to have an open "all cards are on the table" discussion about it.

A FEW OF MY FAVORITE TAKE AWAYS

Abbi Miller - One of my favorite quotes from the night was from Abbi. She said, (this is not a direct quote but my own summary) "Every dollar you spend is like a vote for what kind of world you want to live in." What kind of world are you voting for? Another great tip from her was instead of prepping meals try prepping meal items. For example, instead of prepping 5 of the same salads, try cutting up all the fresh veggies and toppings. Have them ready to go and create different combos each day. It's like your own little mini salad bar right there in your kitchen. This was big for me. I found when I meal prepped for the week too specifically things either got soggy or I got to the point where the absolute last thing I wanted to eat was what was in that container. I've tried prepping meal items ever since this event and I am LOVING it so much more!

Brooke Salvagio - Eat as closely as you can to the earth. Eat locally from farmers in your area and support them in what they do. Ask them questions. Get to know what you're eating and where it comes from (farm > factory). Plant foods are not only nutrient dense, but HEALING and life-giving to the body.

Cara Herbstreet - To me, Cara's over all theme was to adopt intuitive eating and break restrictive eating habits. She touched on how we are born with signals from our body, telling us when we are hungry, what kind of nutrients we need, and when we are full. Over time, as the dieting mindset takes over, we become out of sync with what our body is trying to tell us and try to eat according to specific guidelines, but end up feeling even hungrier because we are either starving nutritionally or we aren't giving our body what it is needing at the time it is needing it.

Robin Krause - Robin discussed how we all have different food priorities and how what kind of foods we are eating will change depending on our priorities. "Are you trying to heal from digestive disorders? Are you trying to heal from autoimmune disease? Are you trying to live a lifestyle of healthy prevention?" etc. She discussed the upmost importance of eating according to YOUR food priorities. Even though a juice cleanse may be appropriate for some, it may not be appropriate or healing for others, etc. Her personal food priority is to prepare nutrient dense, delicious meals for her family at home, as she knows they will be exposed to "junk" elsewhere but she can control what happens within her own walls and lets the rest go.

Photo Credit: Shannon McGinley

“What most people don’t realize is that food is not just calories, its information. It actually contains messages that communicate with every cell in your body.”

— FMTV

WHAT THE COMMON THEME WAS

While each of the 6 panel members had unique positions in the "nitty gritty" of certain topics, there was definitely a common ground amongst them all:

• EAT. REAL. FOOD = LESS from a box and MORE from the earth.

• Food from a farm > Food from a factory

• Tune out the noise of fad diets, especially if they don't make you FEEL good.

• Throw away the restrictive habits + association of guilt with food

• Get more in touch and intuitive about how, when, and where you eat.

• Eat NUTRITIONALLY DENSE FOODS.

• Focus on the ingredient label of what you are eating, rather than the numerical category in which it fits. Doesn't have an ingredient label? Even better! (i.e. produce)

• Eat foods that FUEL your cells, NOURISH your body, and comfort your SOUL.

• Let go of "can" and "cannot" mindset, and adopt one of balance 

“You can be eating until your heart is content, but as long as you are starving on a nutritional basis your body is going to stay hungry to get those specific nutrients.”

— Jon Gabriel, from Hungry For Change

WHAT DOES THIS LOOK LIKE FOR ME PERSONALLY + WHAT DID I TAKE AWAY PERSONALLY

I'm gonna get real open and "feel-y" here, even though that's not a word (yes, I have a blog, but no my grammar is not correct so you'll have to forgive me. I have an anatomy brain, not a grammatically correct one, so I try to punctuate and type as if I'm talking to a friend rather than publishing some grammatically correct novel). This is something I have struggled with for a long time now without necessarily realizing how deep it was/is (not the grammar, the food frustration ;) ).

When I went to holistic cancer treatment in 2015, I witnessed the insanely amazing, God-given capability and role Whole Foods have in healing he body. It is truly incredible what happens when you fuel your body with foods from the earth... Everything changes! YOU literally change, because your every cell of every organ of your body changes. I initially thought in order to heal from cancer I had to poison my body, cut it open, and burn it, so when I got to witness the power of the opposite, I was blown away.

While I accredit a large portion of my healing cancer journey to what I put IN and ON my body, I also acknowledge there is definitely a mental component. While 7 weeks of raw food and green juice played a major role in healing on a cellular level, I found that it wasn't a completely realistic lifestyle as I transitioned away from treatment and back into my "normal" life. I mean, I went from Arizona, a sun shining state, surrounded by other cancer patients who "ate like me" and went back to the cold, snowy midwest where no one ate like me. It was really hard, especially at first when I didn't know how to blend who I was before with who I am now. 

My transition taught me a lot. I found myself caught somewhere between my "holistic cancer" friends who spoke of nothing but green juice, meditation, alkaline water, and organic salads AND my "college friends" who spoke of nothing but beer, vodka, partying and fast food. I felt guilty and conflicted no matter what. I either didn't fit in with old friends or didn't live up to the health standards of the "new me."

The problem was..  I am BOTH people and this event really helped me make sense of my own internal battle. My soul will always be somewhere between green juice and a good time. But what I didn't fully acknowledge before is that IT IS OKAY!!! It is okay to be both. It's okay to drink green smoothies during the week and chug (...I mean, sip...) wine on the weekends. It is MY choice. Whether I choose to indulge or not is in my control, and it doesn't make me less than. I don't have to FEAR anything and I certainly don't need to apologize for my decisions that I feel are best for my body. I don't have to fit into a square box. I'm NOT suppose to. I am me. What works for me is going to be different than what works for my cancer friends or my college friends or my family or strangers on the street or YOU.

What today's fad diets say to us is that we have to have lists of "I can eat/do this" and "I cannot eat/do this" and we call anything outside of these guidelines "cheats." We get down on ourselves for eating some french fries. Wanna know whats worse than a french fry? Depression, guilt, shame, anxiety, fear, and seclusion are. A LOT WORSE.

For example, there was a time I got warped into fearing fruit.... like.... umm... what? It's FRUIT. It is made by God, grown from the EARTH, fully and purely packaged with the perfect ratio of nutrients, fiber, hydration we need. The sugars in it are PURE. We don't have to cook it, boil it, or season it to make it edible, it's ready as is.

WHY WOULD I FEAR AN APPLE?! WHY DO WE HAVE TO TAKE OUR BLESSINGS AND TURN THEM INTO BURDENS? 

“It’s important to remember that everything is connected between the mind and body. You can eat all the organic food and do all the yoga but if you are angry or stressed, much of that goodness goes to waste.”

— Kris Carr

Now don't get me wrong, I am human too. I ironically find some sort of twisted comfort in diets. Sometimes it's easier to just have someone else tell me what to do. I'm like, "Just give me list of "can" and "cannot" and I'll just follow it and all will be dandy and life will be great... right?"

WRONG.

FREAKING.

WRONG.

What ends up happening is I'm all jazzed up and I clean out the pantry and I prep all these meals and I crush it for a day or two and then I "mess up" ... and what happens when you "mess up?" GUILT. Thats what happens. And for me, I'm an emotional eater. So me messing up leads to me eating my whole carton of cashew milk ice cream and binge eating chips and salsa with a "F it all" attitude. Its like the children's book When You Give a Mouse a Cookie. I start with a diet and end up with a disaster.

What I'm getting at is the emotion of failure attached to all of it - THAT is what HAS to go. Because it is NOT failure, its freedom. We are not meant to live within guidelines created by someone else because THEY DONT HAVE YOUR BODY OR YOUR GOALS OR YOUR AILMENTS OR YOUR PAST. 

To me, mental health drives your physical health. If you either feel "deprived and proud" (i.e. mindset of, you go girl you only ate 1000 calories today who cares if you're starving) or "fed and ashamed" (i.e. you feel good but you're also ashamed because you ate some carbs on a no carb diet) something is NOT right, girlfriend. Change that shit up. Ditch the numbers and focus on eating real food, eat more greens, find whole food recipes that make you feel gorgeous on the inside. Quit plugging every ounce of food you eat into a calorie counter if it leaves you feeling like you're a failure at the end of the day because you ate an extra calorie or two (hundred..?). But if calorie counting works for you and you're not tying your worth into those numbers, then by all means, keep doing yo thang girl. JUST BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF, because I didn't even realize the pattern I was living in until I got out of it. 

“Balance is the key. In everything you do. Dance all night long and practice yoga the next day. Drink wine but don’t forget your green juice. Eat chocolate when your heart wants it and kale salad when your body needs it. Wear high heels on Saturday and walk barefoot on Sunday. Live high and low. Move and stay still. Embrace all sides of who you are. Be brave, bold, spontaneous, and loud, and let that compliment your ability to find silence, patience, modesty, and peace. Aim for balance. Make your own rules and follow your own path and don’t let anybody tell you how to live according to theirs. ”

I am still finding my own balance and I know it will evolve as seasons change because its a lifestyle, not a diet. I've learned to let go of the frustration of imperfection because THERE IS NO SUCH THING as a perfect lifestyle. Instead, I embrace the knowledge gained along the way. I personally eat plant based not because anyone says I have to, but because it makes me FEEL good. Whole plant foods played a HUGE role in healing my body. I had a hormonal cancer so the thought of consuming exogenous hormones in animal based products is not appealing to me, but I don't fear it, nor do I feel deprived by not having it. If I'm out for dinner with friends I don't dwell on perfection, I just make the best decision I can according to my nutritional needs that will also be satisfying to the soul and fulfill the social component we all need as human beings. Life is meant to be enjoyed and CELEBRATED, together!

I want to thank each one of the panel members for their contribution to this event and for Sarah being the "health curious" womanimal that she is. You don't even realize how many people you're helping by simply being who you are, by having a need yourself and being a voice for others. You are empowering other women, lifting them up, and encouraging badassery ;)

If you struggle with food frustration, want to find B A L A N C E within wellness, or just want to be friends, lets chat!

Follow my social media tabs below so we can C O N N E C T. 

The Girl With the Cross Tattoo

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED A TATTOO.

When I was a freshman in college I would draw tattoo sketches in a spiral notebook in my dorm room. I never really took any of them too seriously, but they all fit a common theme: some sort of cross with the words “walk by faith” woven in.

I couldn't tell you exactly why I had never acted on my urge to get a tattoo. It wasn't that I was afraid of needles or that my parents said I couldn’t, and it certainly wasn’t that I hadn’t ever had anyone special or anything meaningful enough in my life. I just never really pursued it.

INSERT CANCER DIAGNOSIS, DECEMBER 19, 2015  

Well hello, "meaning." 

I told myself this was it. This is what I would get a tattoo for. When I was in Arizona for treatment, I would kill time during my long IV’s looking up meaningful bible verses and Christian song lyrics and illustrations of teal ribbons and courageous quotes. I again sketched out some ideas… But nothing ever stuck. I had a variety of creative, meaningful and empowering pieces that I truly loved. One of my friends even came to visit me at treatment and got a tattoo on HER body... in MY handwriting. What?! 

I ordered pieces of jewelry on Etsy of the design I wanted, just to see how I like carrying that phrase with me constantly, and I loved it. I thought for sure when I was done with treatment I would go get that permanently marked on my body. But again, I never did. For some reason my heart still held out for something more.

I THINK THERE WAS A PART OF ME, SOMEWHERE DEEP INSIDE, THAT KNEW MY STORY WASN’T FINISHED YET. I left cancer treatment in Arizona March 24, 2016 and two years went by, still no tattoo.

FAST FORWARD TO MAY 3, 2017: EXPLORATORY PARTIAL HYSTERECTOMY + STAGING SURGERY

Tri 5 of chiropractic school, two weeks before finals, a routine gynecology appointment somehow spiraled into a major abdominal surgery leading to immediate surgical menopause and 8-10 weeks of recovery. (You can read the story under my "cancer healing" blog). 

Now, If you would've told me a year ago that I would ever agree to take the most invasive route possible, I’d tell you you're absolutely nuts. BUT, I've let God guide this journey from day 1 and we have a pretty good track record together so far. 

One of my favorite things about Him is His sense of humor. He tends to lead me to decisions that REALLY don't make sense to people who know me. First it was choosing holistic treatment in 2015 for an EXTREMELY rare aggressive ovarian cancer at 20, next it was 2017 opting to undergo an extremely invasive surgery to remove the very parts of my body that could make me a mother some day and those that preserve my vitality as a woman. But, God is just so good like that. He gains closeness with me by literally rocking my boat so hard that I can no longer guide my own ship, and calls me to decisions that bring me to my knees in surrender.

So I had the surgery. (If you want more details, refer back to my previous blog).

Surprisingly, my hardest day post-op wasn’t the day after surgery, being forced to get up out of bed to walk, and it wasn't getting my epidural or catheter or IV's out... 

IT WAS WHEN THE FLIPPING BANDAGE HAD TO COME OFF, MAN.

Let’s just say nurses legit about had to sedate me just to get the clear bandage off. They pushed some serious pain pills prior to attempt #1 at removing the bandage and got virtually no where. They gave me a free pass and said they would be back to try again later that morning. I was sweating bullets of anxiety and fear. Attempt #2 consisted of stronger pain pills, but the same game. My instinct was to fight anyone who came near my abdomen, not out of intent, but literal reflex. I would hit, kick, jab... Anything. (If you know me at all, you know I am arguably the least violent person ever and would not be successful in any form of fight... So you can about imagine how out of character this was). They gave me plenty of grace, bless their souls, and said, “Okay, what we need to do is give you some “woozy” drugs in combination with some anti-anxiety meds AND pain pills to effectively get this off without your interference." Oh wow, what a lovely trio huh? At this point my insides were officially FREAKING out. As the nurse walked out of the room I word-vomited an idea without thinking, “Hey, would it be alright if I took the bandage off myself?” (WHAT?!)

*Insert sweat, tears, and nausea as I tried to get the bandage off myself in avoidance of the lovely sedation trio they had on deck.

Little by little, in between bites of hospital apple sauce and sips of ice water, I got the bandage off. It was a long, drawn out process, and I couldn’t bring myself to look at it as I was peeling the clear tape off of such a tender wound. I couldn’t stomach it quite yet or connect to what actually lay beneath the gauze and clear tape.

Once I finally got the bandage off (sigh of relief), I gained some out-of-left-field courage to check out the incision. I used the little button on the side of the bed to raise the upper half of my body to an angle just high enough to look. I was scared to look, really, really scared to. I lifted the blankets about an inch and peeked down my body. I immediately put the blankets back down when I saw my incision.

TEARS. 

LOTS. AND LOTS. OF TEARS.

Not because it was gruesome, which it was. Not because it was a very big incision, which it was. Not because I was in pain, which I definitely was. Even though all of those things were completely accurate that was not why the involuntary stream started pouring down.

I GOT MY TATTOO.

• December 15, 2015 – Horizontal Incision across my pubic bone removing what they thought were benign ovarian cysts (this surgery lead to my diagnosis). 

• May 3, 2017 – Vertical incision, starting at the belly button and going down, through the original incision just about an inch past, removing my ovaries due to suspicion of cancer recurrence (which there never was any cancer in my body, praise the Lord)

 These two occurrences make a perfect cross on my body. What I was longing to create myself, God already had in the works. I just didn't see it at the time.

On my abdomen lay the most meaningful, beautiful, intricate cross. 

It wasn’t in thin black perfect lines, complete with a catchy quote or bible verse. No, it was a thick, jagged line. It was scarred skin. It was somewhere between a bright red and a deep, bruised purple color.

It wasn't something anyone would walk into the tattoo shop and point to say, "Yep, give me that one." But it tells His story. It is a display of His glory. It is marked by God, the ultimate physician himself. Its a sign of His almighty healing power at work in my body, His endless grace, His unfailing love, and His new mercies that are ready for me every day. It’s a tattoo of meaning, of courage, of bravery, of strength, and tested faith.

It was expensive in more ways than money could ever buy. It has cost me a lot of what I’ve always dreamt of. It cost me what I thought my life would look like. It cost me the illusion of control I use to love so much. It has been very difficult to see my body change so much in such a short period of time. But, as this  journey has officially come full circle, I see why so many things I've wanted or wished for haven't worked. I see why I never got my version of a cross tattoo. I see why I never got my own sketches, permanently etched into my skin. Because just as my plans for this life seem beautiful, and just as my sketches for my body seemed wonderful – this was all the proof I needed, His are always, always better.

This post is meant to be a transition. As one chapter of life closes, another begins. And this mark on my body is symbolic of that new beginning, full of life and full of the purpose God has laid upon my heart.

While I won't be writing about my cancer journey any more, I want this website to continue to provide as inspiration for those fighting their battle. I want my cancer healing" blog to continue to be a shining light and resource for those who feel defeated in the face of a diagnosis.

You are beautiful. You matter. You are not alone. Your story is not over yet.