Goodbye Ovaries

First I want to say: THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone who has taken the time to pray, text, message, or call. It has been a rough 24-36 hours and I did not have the energy to respond, but please know you put a big smile on my face and brought peace to my heart. I am extremely lucky to have received such wonderful support! Yesterday was a long and terrifying day initially.

We arrived at the hospital around 12:15, but I didn't go into surgery until 5:00 and was in recovery until 10:20

I was very scared. But I had my team with me, holding my hand and cheering me on every step of the way.  After hours of waiting, "Langel" was announced as I got called back to pre-op. I walked through double doors into what felt like a whole new world. Every part of my body began to shake and tears began to flow like crazy. I honestly almost bailed on the surgery altogether. I've had many procedures done before, but this was way more invasive and way more emotional considering what was being done and removed.

After I decided to continue on with surgery, they had be lay down on the medical table (gown open to the back... we've already been over how I feel about this). 

From there they stuck an access needle into my port, hooked me up to machines, and talked about the details of the open partial hysterectomy. 

Then the word "epidural" was mentioned.... and I lost it. The act of someone putting a catheter into my spine to administer pain medication made my whole body tense up.

It took me quite a while to calm down so the nurse went and got my family to come alongside my bed and help talk me into a more positive frame of mind. 

We cried. We held hands. We prayed. And we praised God for all of His gifts he has given us.

Then came the time to put in the epidural and wheel me into the OR to get the party started.

Next thing I knew I woke up in post op/recovery and noticed the epidural only numbed the top portion of my body and not the lower abdomen/incision. The amount of pain I felt was unlike anything I've ever felt (now I have a reference for what 10 is on the 0-10 pain scale). I was barely awake but I remember them pushing more and more drugs to get the pain down and my body to stop shaking. 

I thought it was going to be impossible to ever move again, and at the exact moment I thought that my nurse said "Okay Jess, let's roll you onto your side." I legitimately thought she was kidding, but sure enough, I rolled to both sides. 

After spending 3-4 hours in recovery, I was transferred to my hospital room around 10:15. I said my goodnights to family one at a time because too much stimulation sent my whole body into spasm.  

 I pretty much felt like a human power strip, haha. I had an IV in my hand, an accessed port in my chest, stuff connected to my legs, a catheter to urinate, and an epidural in my back for pain control.

Today they took the catheter out and have made me get up to walk to the bathroom. I have to use a walker and wear my super flattering hospital gown to do so, but it's getting better each time! 

I am so happy with the decisions that have been made and I feel at peace with whatever the pathology report will say. I have lost a lot and I have a lot of physical pain, but I also feel an immense freedom in my heart. 

Adoption has grown so deep in my heart. I know my babies are out there somewhere. I know that we are all God's children and I don't need reproduce using my own DNA in order to be an amazing mother one day. 

There will be plenty of highs and lows in the days to come as I am now in menopause at the age of 23. Yesterday felt like an entire day of lows but by the time I shut my eyes to go to sleep I chose to find all of the good. 

Thank you all again from the bottom of my heart. It is so encouraging to know I'm not in this fight alone. 

To God be the Glory,

All my love,

Jess